The distance, both physical and cultural, creates a divide that is often difficult to bridge. From the fear of immigration fraud to the clash of lifestyle expectations, the modern Overseas Pakistani faces a complex landscape when navigating the matrimonial market in Pakistan. Below, we discuss 12 significant problems faced by Overseas Pakistanis in finding a local Rishta back home.
1. The "Green Card" and Immigration Motivation
Perhaps the single biggest fear for any Overseas Pakistani is the genuineness of the proposal. There is a prevalent and valid concern that the potential spouse or their family is primarily interested in the foreign visa rather than the person. In a country facing economic instability, a ticket to the West is seen as a golden lottery. This leads to the "Green Card Syndrome," where candidates may pretend fake affection, compatibility, or agreement with the overseas suitor's values just to secure the marriage.
This dynamic creates a massive trust deficit. The overseas family is constantly second-guessing whether the local family likes their son or daughter for who they are, or simply for the color of their passport. Distinguishing between a genuine partner and someone seeking an economic escape route is incredibly difficult, especially when interactions are limited to video calls and short visits.
2. The "Gold Digger" Perception and Financial Exploitation
There is a widespread stereotype in Pakistan that anyone living abroad is incredibly wealthy and has an endless supply of money. Overseas Pakistanis are often viewed as walking ATMs. When a Rishta is being negotiated, this perception can lead to extra ordinary demands. The local family might expect a lavish wedding that goes far beyond the norm, expensive jewelry, or heavy financial assistance for the extended family.
This financial pressure doesn't always end with the wedding. There is often an unspoken expectation that the overseas spouse will sponsor the education of siblings-in-law, help build a house for the parents back in Pakistan, or send significant remittances monthly. For the Overseas Pakistani, who may be working a regular 9-to-5 job and paying high taxes and rent abroad, these expectations are unrealistic and burdensome, leading to immediate friction.
3. Cultural Disconnect and the "East vs. West" Mindset
One of the most overlooked issues is the sheer cultural gap between a Pakistani raised in the West and a Pakistani raised in Pakistan. Even if they share the same religion and language, their worldviews often differ drastically. An Overseas Pakistani who grew up in London or New York likely values individualism, privacy, and direct communication. In contrast, a spouse raised in Pakistan might prioritize collectivism, indirect communication, and social hierarchy.
These differences manifest in daily life. Issues such as gender roles, how to raise children, how much time to spend with in-laws, and even sense of humor can become battlegrounds. The "Back Home" spouse might find the Overseas partner too "liberal" or "cold," while the Overseas partner might find the local spouse too "conservative" or "controlling." This cultural dissonance is a major cause of marital breakdown in transnational marriages.
4. The Joint Family System Conflict
The joint family system is still the dominant social structure in Pakistan, where sons are expected to live with their parents and support them. However, most Overseas Pakistanis are accustomed to the nuclear family model. This creates a severe conflict during Rishta negotiations. An overseas groom might expect his wife to move abroad and live alone with him, while her family fears she will be isolated without a support system.
Conversely, if an overseas bride marries a man from Pakistan, she might be expected to integrate into a joint family dynamic that she is completely unprepared for. The expectations of serving in-laws, asking for permission to go out, or having zero privacy can be traumatizing for someone raised with Western freedoms. This misalignment regarding living arrangements is a frequent deal-breaker.
5. Misrepresentation and Lack of Transparency
Distance makes it very easy to hide the truth. When families are thousands of miles apart, verifying information becomes a logistical nightmare. It is not examining the candidate's character in person; the overseas family often relies on photos, phone calls, and the word of intermediaries. This opens the door for misrepresentation.
Common lies include inflating the candidate's educational qualifications, hiding previous engagements or marriages, or lying about the family's financial standing. There have been numerous cases where an overseas family arrives in Pakistan for the wedding only to find that the groom is unemployed or the bride is significantly older than stated. This lack of transparency erodes trust and wastes months of effort.
6. The "Modern yet Traditional" Paradox
Overseas Pakistani men, in particular, often suffer from a confusing set of requirements known as the "Modern yet Traditional" paradox. They (or their mothers) often want a wife who is highly educated, speaks fluent English, and can drive and work in the West, yet simultaneously want her to be submissive, domestic, and perfectly adept at making round rotis.
Finding a candidate who fits both molds perfectly is nearly impossible because these traits often contradict each other. A woman who is independent and career-oriented in Pakistan is unlikely to want to be a traditional, subservient housewife abroad. This unrealistic checklist severely limits the pool of potential matches and leads to disappointment when the real human being doesn't live up to the fantasy.
7. Incompetent or Greedy Intermediaries (Rishta Aunties)
Since the families are not in the same physical location, they often rely on third-party matchmakers, known locally as "Rishta Aunties" or unregistered marriage bureaus. While some are genuine, the industry is largely unregulated and plagued by greed. Many scam matchmakers charge hefty registration fees to overseas clients, knowing they can pay more than locals.
Worse, these intermediaries often manipulate both sides to ensure a "deal" is made so they can get their commission. They might tell the girl's family that the boy owns a house in London when he actually rents a room, or tell the boy's family that the girl is a doctor when she hasn't finished her degree. The reliance on these often unreliable narrators adds a layer of chaos to the process.
8. Communication Barriers and Time Zones
Building a connection before marriage is crucial, but doing so across continents is exhausting. The time zone difference between Pakistan and countries like the USA or Canada can be 9 to 12 hours. This means one person is waking up while the other is going to sleep, making organic, spontaneous conversation difficult. Relationships are built on scheduled video calls rather than shared experiences.
Furthermore, digital communication lacks the nuance of face-to-face interaction. Tone can be potentially misunderstood in text messages and video calls can hide behavioral red flags. It is very easy to present a curated "best self" for an hour a day on video calls, making it difficult for the overseas partner to gauge the true temperament and personality of their potential spouse until they are physically together.
9. Legal Hurdles and Documentation Delays
Even when a match is found, the bureaucratic nightmare begins. The process of legally marrying a Pakistani national and bringing them abroad is becoming increasingly difficult. Western countries have tightened their visa laws to prevent suspicious marriages. The Overseas Pakistani must navigate a maze of paperwork, including Nikahnama translation, NADRA registration, and spousal visa applications that can take years to process.
During this waiting period, the couple is legally married but living apart. This separation places immense strain on the new relationship. The spouse in Pakistan may feel abandoned or become frustrated if the process takes too long, while the overseas spouse bears the stress and financial cost of lawyers and immigration fees.
10. The Pressure of Caste and "Biradari"
In the West, social circles are often diverse, and caste matters little. However, in Pakistan, the "Biradari" (clan/caste) system is still a powerful force in matchmaking. Overseas parents often carry the frozen values of the time they left Pakistan, becoming even more rigid about caste than people currently living in Pakistan. They may insist on finding a match only within their specific caste (e.g., Punjabi Jutt, Sindhi Rishtay, Yousuf zai Rishtay)
This severely restricts the pool of candidates. An overseas Pakistani might find a perfectly compatible person who shares their values and interests, but the proposal is rejected immediately by the family simply because the castes do not align. This adherence to outdated social hierarchies is a major hurdle for the younger generation seeking compatibility over lineage.
11. Fear of Social Isolation for the Spouse
A significant problem that overseas families must consider is the welfare of the spouse they are bringing over. Moving from a vibrant, chaotic, communal culture in Pakistan to the quiet, often isolated suburbs of the West can be a massive shock. This is known as "displacement trauma."
The local spouse often leaves behind their entire support network of friends and family. In the West, they may not be able to drive, may not speak the local dialect fluently, and may spend long hours alone at home while the partner works. This leads to depression and resentment. Overseas suitors often struggle to find a partner who is mentally resilient enough to handle the loneliness of the immigrant life, leading to hesitation in finalizing a match.
12. Scams on Matrimonial Apps and Websites
With traditional routes failing, many turn to matrimonial websites and apps. While these platforms offer a wider reach, they are also breeding grounds for scammers. Overseas Pakistanis are prime targets for "catfishing." Profiles may use fake photos or fabricated bio-data to lure in victims.
There are organized gangs that operate on these platforms, engaging in "romance scams" where they build an emotional connection with an overseas victim and then invent emergencies (medical bills, debt) to extract money. Because the victim is abroad, they have little legal recourse once the money is sent. The prevalence of these scams makes overseas Pakistanis hyper-cautious and cynical, often rejecting genuine proposals out of fear.
Conclusion:
Finding a suitable life partner from Pakistan while living abroad is not an easy task. It requires patience, wisdom, and strong decision-making. Trust should be built slowly, and families must focus on honesty instead of pressure. By understanding cultural differences, avoiding fake promises, and choosing carefully, Overseas Pakistanis can protect themselves from heartbreak. A successful marriage is built on respect, truth, and realistic expectations, not just passports, money, or social status.
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